"When I was in therapy preparing to leave him, I said, "I don't understand why this is so hard for me. I don't like him anymore, I don't think I even love him anymore. I have been mourning the loss of this relationship while still existing in it, so why am I still sad?" My therapist said, "It's hard because you're not just ending a relationship with a person you care about, but you're ending all the hopes and dreams and goals you'd attached to that relationship, all of your plans, your ideals, all the things you were working towards." I still felt like leaving would mean that I was giving up on this person, giving up on myself, giving up on Hope and Love and all of my beliefs."

The thing is--everyone's heard the statistic about how it takes seven tries to leave an abuser before it actually sticks. But what I think's missing for people that haven't lived it themselves is just exactly what that process looks like, because real life isn't scripted for TV, and if you haven't been there yourself you just don't know since the entire foundation of abusive relationships is keeping secrets and telling lies and making excuses. Covering tracks for the shitty person that's dragging you down.

Phases of the Moon #5 is Stacey-Marie's novel-length zine about how it's easy to get in, but it's so hard to leave. It's about addiction and recovery in fits and starts and failed accountability, and the recovery framework available for people when money's a concern, and how bad people in the scene (and life, and anywhere) sometimes play off a victim's morals to make them the problem and not how the bad people are doing bad things. It's about loving somebody and knowing that's a problem, and loving somebody and being frustrated with them, and loving somebody who's hellbent on running you both aground & blaming yourself when you can't stop everything from crashing & burning, and loving somebody but also not loving them at all anymore, actually, but god why can't I just go.

At 120 pages, this is a heavy zine both physically & emotionally, but well-worth every page.

By Stacey-Marie Piotrowski. Half size (5.5 x 8.5), typed, thread-bound & super text-heavy with some b&w photos/illustrations, and comes with trigger warnings for abuse, alcoholism, and drug use. Stay safe out there, babies.